GROWTH

“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed.”




This had been an unexpected year. I've experienced new friends, new relationships, new trials, new worries, and everything else that goes along with going to college. I never expected the things God showed me during this year. I never expected the troubles I would encounter. I never thought I would experience so much pain. But do I regret this year? Do I wish none of it ever happened? Heck no.
The things God has shown me through everything are things I've wanted to be shown for all my life. The way I've grown, the perspective I've gained is invaluable. My relationship with God is so much better. More sober. More serious. And definitely more passionate and full of a fire to serve Him now more than ever.
A couple weeks before school ended for the year, I sketched a picture of an oak tree piercing its way through a heart. The roots of the tree were causing the heart to burst and bleed. But as the branches sliced their way through the heart's tissue, buds formed. The heart became part of this tree, it's scars still evident, but supported and merged into the trunk of this huge tree. This picture captured my feeling at the time. The feeling that God is taking a knife and slicing away at me into a new creature. It hurts. Bad. But in the end, I become better for it.
I was so excited last fall as I began to get ready to attend my first year of college. I was so excited to experience the things God would show me, and the people He would bring into my life.
Wow. He worked way differently than I ever thought He would. It was His way. Not mine. And that's what makes it so awesome.

I've come to the desire of settling for HIS WILL AND HIS WILL only. I will not accept anything else. I will not settle for anything less. I know with all my heart that His plan for my life is the best plan. It's a purpose planned by a loving Savior who loves me more than anyone else love me. I can't, and I won't allow myself to go for second best. It's His way, and His way only.

I have no idea what I want to do this next year. Someday, I desire to be a loving wife and mother. Above all else, I want to serve God with passion, respect, and obedience. I'm not returning to school...I committed to a year unless God lead me otherwise. But you know what? The unknown is ok. It's freeing having no control whatsoever of what is around the next bend. As long as I stay in God's presence, I have an overwhelming peace.

For now, I am enjoying my summer job. I'm enjoying seeking God, and spending each evening with my guitar, worshipping the Lord. It's beginning to be the only thing I ever want to do each day. I'm truly lost without God. I can't ever lose sight of Him again. I need Him. I want Him.

HE IS MY ALL IN ALL.

God works. Period.

I'm a once a year blogger. I just realized this. I don't have the consistency to blog every day. My life is not interesting enough to read about.

I must say, though,  to anyone reading this, that 0, 1, or 5 people- that God has used this blog to show me things. Looking into the past couple years- which are the precise amount of years I have spent writing on this blog- has provided such a clear picture of the present and why I am where I am. This blog envelops so many stages of my life through the years. I can see who I was, who I am now, and where God may lead me in the future.

I have a tendency to take God's signs, leadings, and direction and say to myself "who am I kidding? I'm only telling myself all this. It's not God."

But it was Zachariah, in Luke 1, while an angel of the Lord was standing right in front of him, telling him he was going to have a son who would prepare the way for Christ..... and Zachariah asks "but how can I know for certain?"  There's the sign to be SEEN in front of him- an angel! There's a sign to be heard- a prophesy! The angel's words! And yet he still needs to be sure. How much am I like that? I get so many signs, confirmations, and directions from God and yet I still hesitate.

How blessed, though, am I that I can just tell God "God, I'm stupid. I need simplicity."

And He gives it. Will I follow?

I better.
http://beautyofgrace316.blogspot.com/

Rewind

That previous post I made was the first one I've made on this blog in over a year. So much has changed as I read over my old postings and such, it's kind of funny. Yet I see God's never-changing constancy in all of my posts. He is just that amazing.

This particular post caught my eye. I actually never published it, never even finished it. It's labeled as "draft".

[June 1, 2008] "Wow. What a interesting few weeks since I last posted. God has been AWESOME to me. Well, He always is.

Right now i am seriously praying and thinking about going to Bible college. Not this year, but next. Its a little too late to sign up now. So, I will work full time( I'm working part time right now) until next summer to save up. I'm looking at Multnomah.
What happened to starting your business? You may ask. Well, I had been feeling a little depressed and discouraged lately about the whole business situation. Not only did I run into some kinks in starting it, but I feel like I shouldn't be doing it. I don't think...."

I don't even recall writing this. Last summer and the year following was such an interesting time in my life. It was an emotional roller coaster of a year. I went from depressed to VERY happy to emotionally hurt to confused to sad, to happy again. I guess everyone goes through life like this. Life would be pretty mundane without the annoying, yet poignant emotional mountain ranges we all have to climb. That post just makes me think, though. And I've been thinking about this lately, too, how the Lord can change a person's heart about something. For, before that post, college wasn't even part of the picture. I was strong and stubbornly firm on NOT attending a university, or even a community college. I feel as if the world has seered into our brains the view that you can only make something of yourself or go anywhere by GOING TO COLLEGE. Though I definently see great blessing in going to college, I don't necassarily think that's entirely true. Why? Well, as a believer in a mighty, powerful, and HUGE God, I believe God can work in a person's life however He chooses. It doesn't have to be college. God is much more original than that. Look at the men of God in the Bible. God used all of them in different ways. Some were prophets. Some were warriors. Some were kings. Some were leaders. Some were apostles. That's just the awesomeness of God. He can form His clay however He chooses.
All that said, that was my reason for not going. So, I continued to work at my retail job and was attempting to start my own business creating slideshows for weddings, birthdays, and such. It was something I loved doing and felt God has gifted me in that area. However, as I tried to start up my business, I ran into some technical issues with music licensing and stuff like that, and I just felt myself getting discouraged. I really wanted to do it. It seemed perfect for me. I would be doing something I loved, I would be able work at home, and not work with people per say( as in "retail" working with people). So, as I went to a Sunday night worship service that summer, I was pretty down. I had no desire to attend college, wasn't really excited anymore about the business, and didn't want to spend the rest of my life working at a 9-5 job. I was confused. Questioning God. Wondering why? Then, an angel appeared.....
No, not really. But, a dear, dear friend who had been kind of a mentor for me at that time, came to me right at the moment and started chatting with me. I eventually started telling her my frustrations and uncertainty of my future. To make a long story short, she really encouraged me and told me she had felt that way before. She had decided to attend a Bible college and see where God would lead her with that. And, as of now, she is a missionary in Peru and just got married! And the amazing thing is, that day she talked to me, she was supposed to be in Peru, but had to stay in the US for a while longer because of health issues. Wow. God is awesome.
I don't even remember if it was Multnomah she said she attended. But that night, God started softening my heart towards the whole college idea. He showed me that my motives for starting my own business were partly so I could work alone. Avoid people. But He wanted instead to grow me so I was stretched and was able to reach out and be surrounded with amazing people of the Lord. He even wanted me to go so far as to not only attend college, but to live in the dorms- something I said I would NEVER do. Never say never, when you have God as your guide. The funny thing is, the thought of attending college and living in dorms, was a challenge, yes. But it doesn't scare me. I don't lay awake at night wondering how everything will work out, and bite my nails over who will like me, or what the classes will be like, or if I'll get lost. It used to scare me. Now it excites me. Encourages me. It makes me look forward to seeing what God will do.
And I realize now, the whole business thing, was all about ME, and what I was comfortable doing, and what would work best for ME. The Lord had blessed me with the talent, but I was using the talent to take charge of my future, instead of letting God use my talents to shape my future. It needs to be all about GOD. As I started thinking and praying about what in the world I would even major in at college, I asked myself "what has God used in me the most to bless people with?". And I immediately thought of all the birthday cards I give my mom. I love her so much, and of course I tell her that, but some things can be better expressed with the written word. I tell her the depths of how much she means to me in my cards to her, and how God has used her to bless me. Through that card, my mom is blessed. It's not really anything I say, at all. When I truly feel strongly about someone , or something, God molds my words. He even shows me things AS I write that I never even knew before. The same is true when I write songs, or poetry. Nothing is better than writing your frustrations into a song and then writing about JESUS, the answer to all the problems, as the chorus. Writing is something I have loved doing since I was 9 or 10 years old, and I have seen God as I write things.

I guess all this rambling is a round-about way of saying HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD. He has changed my heart in more ways than one. He is truly the finisher and perfecter of our faith. He is everything we really need.

He is mine.

I'm back! And some thoughts....

Oh man. It's been way too long since I've posted. I think I just get in and out of blogging "moods".
Things are going well, though. God has, as always, been faithful. Next week, I'll be moving into the dorms of Multnomah University, and classes start the 31st. I am really excited about it. Yes, I'll be most likely overwhelmed with homework and information overload, but at the same time knowing that God has led me to this decision gives me overwhelming encouragement.

I'm so sinful and bad at giving Him my time, yet He continually blesses me beyond measure. He lifts me out of discouragement. I'm been learning to seek my value and my worth solely in Him. He paid a high price for me by His death on the cross. That is a value I should be seeking. People's labels and the value they put on me can change and falter over time, but God never wavers. I was discussing this with some dear friends yesterday. I can be in two groups. In group A I can be quiet and shy and "unsocial" ( I don't really like that word, but whatever), and Group B, I can be talkative and loud, even funny. Yet sometimes, in neither of these groups do I completely feel like myself.
Half of me is in group A, but I abandon that half in group B. In group B is also part of me, but I again abandon that half in group A. I am quiet. And shy, at first. But, I can be talkative, and absolutely love sharing the things of the Lord with fellow believers. LOVE it. It's the most beautiful thing to be like minded and encouraging each other in deep, deep things of God. I feel like the "shy at first" part of me scares people away from discovering that. But the quiet part of me, I've discovered, is completely ok. God has made me that way. It's not something I feel I need to change. Sometimes it seems as if you can only be accepted and "cool" if you talk alot or are well known in a group. Maybe that's a baseless notion, but if it was true, I don't know if I would want to be something or someone else.
Life is all about God molding you into the person He wants you to be, but when it crosses the line of changing the canvas itself, there's a problem. Now, there is a definate blessing in reaching out of your comfort zone and getting to know people in a group. Yet at the same time, I don't think your value in the group should be measured by HOW much you say, but by WHAT you say. I think so many times we can be in a group and kind of push the quieter ones aside because they're not speaking up or putting in their two cents in to every single discussion.
The thing about Group A, is that it's usually bigger than Group B. For a quiet person like me, it's not my natural inclination to just speak up and let myself and my feelings be known. Now give me 2, 5, even 10 people in a group and I am alot more comfortable.
I don't know, it's just something I've been thinking about lately. I've been learning that reaching out of your comfort zone and getting to know people is such a huge blessing, but at the same time, I can't get to the point where I feel as if I'm running in a race, trying to catch the lead pack. If I run as fast as I can, I just might catch up to the back of the lead pack. It doesn't even matter if I win the race, I just want to be seen running in with the winners. But we shouldn't be running that kind of race. It's impossible to really feel satisfaction after that race, even if you win. And you realize everyone runs at their own pace. In life, everyone has been made different. You have the quiet ones, the loud ones, the funny ones, the organized ones, the kind ones, the wise ones, the brave ones..the list goes on. Our purpose in life is to bring glory to God, and God uses all of those traits to use us and shape us. God wouldn't be as amazing as He is if it wasn't for the fact that through his constancy He is still able to use millions of different believers for ONE single purpose.
Sometimes it is confusing figuring out who I really am....what people really value in me, and what I value in myself. Then I realize that my value is found in how much Christ paid for me on that cross. And that is an amazing thought.

update..

This will be short, but I just wanted to say I'm still here. I'm doing alright...going through a little tough times but pulling through. God is still good. Sorry for the shortness but I've got to get ready for work!

The beauty of simplicity.

I honestly don't know if any person out there looks at this blog, but I thought I'd post anyway since its been over a month since my last post. All I basically have to say is God has been great. He is just doing amazing things in my life right now. I am in awe at His blessings.

yeah, that's it.

What is life all about, anyway?

1 Peter 2:21
For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you.

This verse stuck out to me when I read the Word this morning. I am currently struggling with the suffering I am encountering trying to do something God wants me to do. Its not a huge thing or anything. Just a small thing I feel the Lord is leading me to step out and do. Deep in my soul I know it is going to bless me, but then there is this other part that is leaving doubts in my mind. Of course, the doubts are not from God, but it is hard to shake them.
But according to this verse, God is calling me to do good, EVEN if it means I will suffer while doing it. For some weird reason that verse comforted me.
I am also reading Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper, and I found some inspiring words in there as well- " [Life] is about the greatness of God, not the significance of man." Wow. John Piper's words there just showed me that stepping out and doing things for the Lord that are uncomfortable is to bring glory to God. It gave me a new perspective. No longer am I going to step out and doing this thing that is going to bring me uncomfort, but I am stepping out and doing this thing that will bring God glory. Its really cool how my attitude changes once I take ME out of the picture. Once I take ME out of the picture and focus on GOD, I feel like I can do anything. It's like having a superpower. Oddly enough, I just realized those last two sentences as I wrote them. God is great. I feel if I keep focusing on Him, it will make me feel at least a little less uncomfortable about my situation.

I don't know what I would do without Him.