Sunday, June 6, 2010


I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed.

This had been an unexpected year. I've experienced new friends, new relationships, new trials, new worries, and everything else that goes along with going to college. I never expected the things God showed me during this year. I never expected the troubles I would encounter. I never thought I would experience so much pain. But do I regret this year? Do I wish none of it ever happened? Heck no.
The things God has shown me through everything are things I've wanted to be shown for all my life. The way I've grown, the perspective I've gained is invaluable. My relationship with God is so much better. More sober. More serious. And definitely more passionate and full of a fire to serve Him now more than ever.
A couple weeks before school ended for the year, I sketched a picture of an oak tree piercing its way through a heart. The roots of the tree were causing the heart to burst and bleed. But as the branches sliced their way through the heart's tissue, buds formed. The heart became part of this tree, it's scars still evident, but supported and merged into the trunk of this huge tree. This picture captured my feeling at the time. The feeling that God is taking a knife and slicing away at me into a new creature. It hurts. Bad. But in the end, I become better for it.
I was so excited last fall as I began to get ready to attend my first year of college. I was so excited to experience the things God would show me, and the people He would bring into my life.
Wow. He worked way differently than I ever thought He would. It was His way. Not mine. And that's what makes it so awesome.

I've come to the desire of settling for HIS WILL AND HIS WILL only. I will not accept anything else. I will not settle for anything less. I know with all my heart that His plan for my life is the best plan. It's a purpose planned by a loving Savior who loves me more than anyone else love me. I can't, and I won't allow myself to go for second best. It's His way, and His way only.

I have no idea what I want to do this next year. Someday, I desire to be a loving wife and mother. Above all else, I want to serve God with passion, respect, and obedience. I'm not returning to school...I committed to a year unless God lead me otherwise. But you know what? The unknown is ok. It's freeing having no control whatsoever of what is around the next bend. As long as I stay in God's presence, I have an overwhelming peace.

For now, I am enjoying my summer job. I'm enjoying seeking God, and spending each evening with my guitar, worshipping the Lord. It's beginning to be the only thing I ever want to do each day. I'm truly lost without God. I can't ever lose sight of Him again. I need Him. I want Him.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

God works. Period.

I'm a once a year blogger. I just realized this. I don't have the consistency to blog every day. My life is not interesting enough to read about.

I must say, though,  to anyone reading this, that 0, 1, or 5 people- that God has used this blog to show me things. Looking into the past couple years- which are the precise amount of years I have spent writing on this blog- has provided such a clear picture of the present and why I am where I am. This blog envelops so many stages of my life through the years. I can see who I was, who I am now, and where God may lead me in the future.

I have a tendency to take God's signs, leadings, and direction and say to myself "who am I kidding? I'm only telling myself all this. It's not God."

But it was Zachariah, in Luke 1, while an angel of the Lord was standing right in front of him, telling him he was going to have a son who would prepare the way for Christ..... and Zachariah asks "but how can I know for certain?"  There's the sign to be SEEN in front of him- an angel! There's a sign to be heard- a prophesy! The angel's words! And yet he still needs to be sure. How much am I like that? I get so many signs, confirmations, and directions from God and yet I still hesitate.

How blessed, though, am I that I can just tell God "God, I'm stupid. I need simplicity."

And He gives it. Will I follow?

I better.