Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I'm back! And some thoughts....

Oh man. It's been way too long since I've posted. I think I just get in and out of blogging "moods".
Things are going well, though. God has, as always, been faithful. Next week, I'll be moving into the dorms of Multnomah University, and classes start the 31st. I am really excited about it. Yes, I'll be most likely overwhelmed with homework and information overload, but at the same time knowing that God has led me to this decision gives me overwhelming encouragement.

I'm so sinful and bad at giving Him my time, yet He continually blesses me beyond measure. He lifts me out of discouragement. I'm been learning to seek my value and my worth solely in Him. He paid a high price for me by His death on the cross. That is a value I should be seeking. People's labels and the value they put on me can change and falter over time, but God never wavers. I was discussing this with some dear friends yesterday. I can be in two groups. In group A I can be quiet and shy and "unsocial" ( I don't really like that word, but whatever), and Group B, I can be talkative and loud, even funny. Yet sometimes, in neither of these groups do I completely feel like myself.
Half of me is in group A, but I abandon that half in group B. In group B is also part of me, but I again abandon that half in group A. I am quiet. And shy, at first. But, I can be talkative, and absolutely love sharing the things of the Lord with fellow believers. LOVE it. It's the most beautiful thing to be like minded and encouraging each other in deep, deep things of God. I feel like the "shy at first" part of me scares people away from discovering that. But the quiet part of me, I've discovered, is completely ok. God has made me that way. It's not something I feel I need to change. Sometimes it seems as if you can only be accepted and "cool" if you talk alot or are well known in a group. Maybe that's a baseless notion, but if it was true, I don't know if I would want to be something or someone else.
Life is all about God molding you into the person He wants you to be, but when it crosses the line of changing the canvas itself, there's a problem. Now, there is a definate blessing in reaching out of your comfort zone and getting to know people in a group. Yet at the same time, I don't think your value in the group should be measured by HOW much you say, but by WHAT you say. I think so many times we can be in a group and kind of push the quieter ones aside because they're not speaking up or putting in their two cents in to every single discussion.
The thing about Group A, is that it's usually bigger than Group B. For a quiet person like me, it's not my natural inclination to just speak up and let myself and my feelings be known. Now give me 2, 5, even 10 people in a group and I am alot more comfortable.
I don't know, it's just something I've been thinking about lately. I've been learning that reaching out of your comfort zone and getting to know people is such a huge blessing, but at the same time, I can't get to the point where I feel as if I'm running in a race, trying to catch the lead pack. If I run as fast as I can, I just might catch up to the back of the lead pack. It doesn't even matter if I win the race, I just want to be seen running in with the winners. But we shouldn't be running that kind of race. It's impossible to really feel satisfaction after that race, even if you win. And you realize everyone runs at their own pace. In life, everyone has been made different. You have the quiet ones, the loud ones, the funny ones, the organized ones, the kind ones, the wise ones, the brave ones..the list goes on. Our purpose in life is to bring glory to God, and God uses all of those traits to use us and shape us. God wouldn't be as amazing as He is if it wasn't for the fact that through his constancy He is still able to use millions of different believers for ONE single purpose.
Sometimes it is confusing figuring out who I really am....what people really value in me, and what I value in myself. Then I realize that my value is found in how much Christ paid for me on that cross. And that is an amazing thought.

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