Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Breathe. Just Breathe. Trust. Just Trust.

Yes I am still writing on here. I worked alot of days last week, because my manager gave me too many hours on accident, so I haven't had that much time to do the stuff I would like to do.

I do however, have a day off today because Tuesdays are rehearsal days for Much Ado About Nothing. So I gave myself permission to stay up past my usual 9-10 pm bedtime last night and watch a movie. I watched Therese, a film about a young girl who joins a nunnery at the age of 15. It is actually a true story. Even though I wasn't really in to the praying to Mary part of the story, I really connected with Therese in that she realized that God wants the simple things. The invisible things. The tiny show of love. The tone of voice you choose when speaking to someone. Deciding to be nice to someone that really annoys you. In the movie, there is this other nun that is quite irritating and rude to her, but Therese decides to be nice and kind to her. She smiles at her, and when the nun asks why she is always smiling, Therese replies "I'm happy to see you". I really thought that moment was touching, because she was genuinely finding joy in being kind, even though the nun wasn't always the best person to be around. Therese wanted her heaven on earth spent showing her love for God. She longed for that intimate relationship with Him. Though I don't agree joining a nunnery was necassarily the answer, I do think her heart was in the right place, because that is what I want. To be intimate with God. And I want to find joy in doing his will, even in being nice to my worst annoyances.
In the movie Therese talks about having to be like a little child when coming to God. I want to be like that. I want to have a faith like a child. Remember being a child? I don't remember worrying about things like I do now. I remember trusting that everything was going to be alright, just like I trusted that oxygen was around me. The difference between then and now was then I think I just trusted. I don't remember necassarily trusting in God, I just recall trusting. But now that I am more conscious of God, I need to just trust in Him. I need to treat God like the ground I stand on that will not fall under me. Trust Him like He is air. Trust Him like I trust my feet to walk in front of each other. Trust Him like its normal. Like its not a thing I decide to do, just a thing I DO.

I remember when I was six years old we took a vacation to Thailand and stayed in a condo-type place. Well, all of us got sick when we were there. My mom and I got pink eye, my brother got a bad rash, and most of us were throwing up. There were also several geckos crawling inside the house, on the walls while we were awake and while we were sleeping. But its so weird, I have no recollection at all of being scared. Now I would be worried my brother had a deathly rash, our vacation was going to be ruined because we were sick, and I probably would have seriously considered buying a flight home in extreme fear of sleeping with geckos above me and around me. Back then, I didn't think any of these things. I trusted. I just did it. Like a little child. Thats why God tells us we need to come to Him like little children to inherit the Kingdom. He does not want me to have exceptions like an adult would when trusting in Him. He wants us to trust in Him like there's not a worry in the world. Because really, with God, there should be no worries. He made the world. He's going to take care of it.

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